i feel like...

CRAP

MIA

this week has been rather hard on me. hubby's off to Paka for the entire week. adel and I were left to fend for our own selves. work has been more than hectic due to tight deadlines. but i did not really commit myself to work. i'd leave the office around 8pm. that's considered late in this present situation. i'd feel guilty for being late. late in fetching adel up from MIL. i feel like a bad mother. and i also feel guilty for ditching work early and leaving my colleague in despair. uggghh. i dunno, i think without hubby, i am almost paralyzed. i don't have any support. not that i rely on him all of the time but it's just times like this where i really really have to work, he's just, well...missing.

moving on

so we've moved out from the old apartment into this flat. it's super small. the moving part was excruciating. not for me but for hubby and others who helped us in the process. i didn't realized i had so much stuff until we moved out. but i am not by any means, a hoarder. i just have lots of plates, pots and pans and clothes. oooh...and furniture pieces. all were bought to facilitate the old apartment. but in this small flat of ours that we involuntary call home (hopefully, just for a year) all those good things will not be put to good use. simply because there's no space. we are definitely saving up to buy us a house. insyaAllah it will happen next year. either under construction or sub-sale, we have to move out. my head cannot work in such small space. i'm even going on a cooking strike. i will not cook for a year. it's not that i don't like the kitchen. it's just that i don't feel safe cooking (or eating for that matter!) there because it's small and old and smelly.

adel has been sick for the past few days which made me worried sick. i think it all stems out from the whole moving in and moving out drama. kesian dia. he was shivering and all. vomited a lot and even pooped blood. doc said it was nothing but high fever. of course tak puas hati. takkan he had all that because of high fever. apparently the antibiotics had caused him to poop blood. with his temperature rising and stuff, the flat pulak sangat2 panas. not helping in adel's recovery at all. and adel was exceptionally clingy. sbb demam kot. nak pegi mane semua kena angkut dia. haiyooo. had to take EL yesterday because of the little guy. poor thing. kesian tengok dia. alhamdulillah, the fever has subsided a bit. takut ok bila anak sakit! nampak sangat tak pandai jaga!

so moving on, we are trying our level best to be patient and hope for the best to come. even though duit byk abes bulan ni sbb pindah, maxis bill melambung, credit card exceed max..ape lagi. semua benda tak bestlah nak jadi bulan ni..mintak2 dimurahkan rezeki lagi, ameen!

marah sangat

we finally found a new place to rent last week. we have paid 2+1 months rent deposit and 1/2 month utilities deposit. we'll be moving in this weekend. and for the record, this new place is like the last place on earth i would want to live in. but rents in Setiawangsa are just ridiculous. terpaksa. RM1,800 for an apartment?! oklah, condo. but seriously. WTH. the current place costs me rm1,200 per mense which to me is affordable. but rm1,800? that's a big difference ok. and this is only rent. houses nowadays are over-priced. melampau. at this rate, i will never afford to buy a house. maybe if we had found a better place elsewhere i won't moan as much. because this new place of ours is just crap. i hate it. i hate it so much. i dunno whether i can live in it but seriously. i hate it a lot.

we're planning on saving so we could afford a house next year. but if houses are rm800k-rm900k. memang taklah! with the new scheme that the govt has introduced, it only helps those of lower income. what about those middle income earners? kena menyewa je ke? nothing is done by the govt to monitor this outrageous pricing. something should be done. nak suruh orang merempat ke? takkan nak menyewa seumur hidup? even sub-sales are over-priced. maybe it's the location. i dunno. eeeeeee. marah sangat!!!

Ngeee

I'm still around :p.

Busy sangatlaa. Sangat busy. Ooooo...did I mentioned I was busy?!

Work has been tremendously overwhelming but I enjoyed every moment of it. I know. I am a freak of nature. Did fess up to my boss about this unexpected work load but the boss thinks that I complaint too much and that I am not grateful. I hate to say this. But it's true. He said that people give me work (a lot of it) because they trust me. And I should not complaint because this will dilute the trust. So true. So I had to fix my attitude. So now when people throw me things, I only smile and do the work patiently. Because I know, I always gain some valuable experience out of this and it's always good to learn. Hence, I've stopped complaining about work save for the busy part.

We celebrated Adel's birthday a couple of weeks ago. I was excited. As always. Remember Adel's birthday cake which I planned and ordered ages ago? The cake crumbled and collapsed as soon as I arrived home. It was painful. Although it tasted super good because it was peanut-butter and jelly, I had to find a new cake pronto. We went to Bisou, KLCC to acquire a new birthday cake. It was nowhere as perfect or tasty as the one that crumbled. But we just had to settle for it.

Our place was small so everyone cramped in the apartment. I kinda felt sorry to those who came. There weren't enough seating to the extend that people had to sit on the floor. We served penne arabiatta, sheperd's pie, bihun goreng, salad, chicken sandwiches, pavlova, brownies, oreo cheese cupcakes and some other goodies. The event was overall OK and I think Adel enjoyed himself. Despite not having time to sleep during daytime, Adel managed to entertained his guests at night with his antics. Love him. Love him to bits. We had customized jars with jelly drops, ADEL cookies and cupcakes for the adult's door-gifts and we gave alphabet books to babies. I've uploaded pics on my fb btw.

Can't believe my baby is 1. He has grown so big and naughty. He jumps a lot. Runs a lot. Cries when I say "No". But even that, he still manages to melt my heart. Love kissing his neck every morning sebab sangat masam! Oooh Adel..what do I do without you? Seriously.

Hubby pon busy jugak sekarang. He's always off to Kemaman and Lumut every week. It's a pain in the ass really. Not having to see him and having to do everything myself. I do appreciate the bonding time spent with Adel but I still need support. I need hubby around. I cannot do this by myself. I hope YOU are reading this. Although the pay is good and all, is it really worth it?

Oooo..new development, the landlord text hubby yesterday morning. He wants us to move out in 2 months time. WTH. We've done so much to the place and now we have to move out. Apparently the landlord's son wants to move in after getting married. In the meantime, we nomads must find us a new place. I don't mind moving but it's just exhausting, kan? What more since we've done so much to the place. Bloody annoying I tell you. The rent in that area is also mind-blowing. Bloody expensive. How-la? 

Went out last Thursday night to a dinner party with UIA friends to celebrate Shuey! Because she's getting married like next week. I ordered some exquisite cupcakes with "boobies" and "birds" as the main feature. I think it was funny but some did find it repulsive. Ada aku kesah? Hehe. But we had a good time that night and I've missed a lot of friends gatherings so was very thankful for this gathering. To Shuey, many congratulations! No advises, sorry. Because I'm still figuring out my own marriage :p  

So this is what happened to Adel, hubby and I for the past couple of days. You can sense from this post that I am far from thrilled about life at this moment in time :(.

*sigh*

If she's still here...

She'd be 52.

She'd be proud of her daughters and her grandson.

She'd still be pretty as a daisy.

She'd blow all our problems and sorrows away.

But she's not.

Al Fatihah.

Still at Home

My previous entry was a tad bit too ambitious. Had to abandoned "going to the office" idea because I was shivering like a cold kitten this morning. Turns out that am allergic to one of the meds. Doc gave me another MC today. I didn't sleep last night either. Had troubles breathing because of the runny nose. Should be sleeping now but I'm just not sleepy. God, what is wrong with me? Watched telly until 3am to the delight of Trinny and Susannah on Granada. Went to bed afterward but only to toss and turn endlessly. Hubby took half of the day off to accompany me to the clinic because my hands were all numb and shivering. Had to send Adel to MIL because I know I wouldn't be able to care for him in this state. I feel a bit guilty though for not going to the office two days in a row. But am sick. I don't like being sick. I mean, who does? Work, work and work, is all I can think of *sigh*.

Roseola

We don't think Adel has measles because the spots or mumps are disappearing as we speak.  So I googled for explanations on babies with high fever and red spots or rashes. My search resulted in "Roseola". I was relieved to know that it's not as serious as measles but am still worried as to why Adel contracted this disease. Dahla was quite alarmed when the article states that Roseola is a kind of herpes virus!?

Below are explanations on Roseola as a result of me self-diagnosing Adel: 

My baby has a spotty, pinkish-red rash on his stomach. Could it be roseola?

If your baby recently had a fever and now has a spotty, raised or flat, rosy-pink rash, it could be roseola, also called roseola infantum.

Roseola is a fairly mild and common viral illness that usually strikes children between 6 months and 3 years of age. Roseola is caused by a kind of herpes virus, although not the type that's sexually transmitted.

What are the symptoms of roseola?

It's possible to have the virus without having noticeable symptoms. But roseola usually starts out with a sudden, relatively high fever, often above 103 degrees Fahrenheit.

The fever typically lasts three to five days and may end abruptly, followed by the telltale rash. The rash may last for days or only hours.

The rash is pink and may have small flat spots or raised bumps. These spots may have a lighter "halo" around them and may turn white if you press on them.

The rash isn't itchy or uncomfortable, and contact with the rash itself doesn't spread the illness. It's usually seen on the trunk and neck, but it can extend to the arms, legs, and face.

If your baby has roseola, he may also be irritable and tired and have mild diarrhea, a decreased appetite, and swollen eyelids. The lymph nodes in his neck and at the base of his skull may also be a bit enlarged. In general, children with roseola don't appear especially ill, considering how high their fevers get.

About 10 to 15 percent of children with roseola have a febrile seizure. If this happens, your baby may become unconscious and jerk his arms, legs, or facial muscles for two or three minutes. He may also lose control of his bladder or bowels.

Although frightening, fever-induced seizures in young children are seldom serious and rarely harmful. If you can, try to time the length of the seizure. Your baby's doctor will want to know how long the episode lasted.

Should I call the doctor?

Yes. Ask your baby's doctor what her guidelines are for calling when your baby has a fever. (A well-child visit is a good time to do this.)

She may suggest, for example, that you call if your baby is 2 months or younger and has a fever of 100.4 degrees F or higher; if he's 3 to 6 months and has a fever of 101 degrees F or higher; and if he's 6 months or older and has a fever of 103 degrees F or higher.

Call the doctor if your baby has an unexplained rash or a febrile seizure. The doctor will ask about your baby's symptoms, and she may want to take a look at him.

Found the above from here.

OMG!! Measles?!

Was what I said in front of the doc. His high temperature has subsided but yesterday I noticed these visible bright red spots or mumps on his legs, thighs and some part of his hands. The doc ruled out dengue and insect bites but thought that it could have been caused by the allergic reaction to the antibiotics. But I wasn't convinced. He's been taking antibiotics since Monday but those spots only appeared yesterday. Needless to say I was all panicky. So I asked the doc if it's really measles, what should I do? She said wait for a day and if the spots are still there then we should get Adel admitted because he is under the age of one and he has yet to get his measles vaccination. 

I am going crazy.

Very. Worried.

I am supposed to be at home now nursing Adel. He had a very high temperature yesterday. It was very worrying. Went to the docs and she said he had a temperature. Duhh. But I was all jumpy and concerned. I asked the doc whether its dengue? She giggled much to my astonishment. She said to monitor him closely in the next 3 days. If Adel's temperature is still there and worst, rising, then we should go to the hospital. She prescribed him ubat demam and antibiotics. Spoke to Aunty Alang last night. She told me to always make sure that Adel's head is wet so I wrapped his head with a damped towel on top of his Kool Fever on his forehead. Risau sangat malam tadi. Kept on changing the damped towel every 10 minutes and fed him with ubat deman every 4 hours. The antibiotics are to be taken once a day. Alhamdulillah, so far the temperature has subsided but am still worried though. Very worried.

But here I am, at work. Worried. I can't take the day off. Japanese clients wants to execute the agreements at 2.30pm today. See, the disadvantages of being a working mum. I feel like a bad mother already *hangs head*. I am worried. Very. Worried.

If I had known better,...

I just woke up like 10 minutes ago. Courtesy of Adel, of course. Hubby ended up sleeping in the living room with the new tv. Yes, he finally bought one. I was super relieved to have it all over and done with. I can no longer pretend to be interested in tvs and all its magnificent electronic hoo-haas. For I cannot tell any difference between a Sony or a Samsung, I mean, it's just different by name je kan? Butttttttt I did get to gobble on yet another slice of the yummylicious red velvet cake from Bijoux or Bisou and I gladly washed it down with a can of ice cold Coke. Second time in this month and nope, not helping at all!

Anyhoo, was tossing and turning after having my sleep disrupted by Adel. Hubby finally came in but I was suddenly wide awake and had the sudden urge to eat nasi padang. I had to divert this urge of mine into something else, so that pretty much explains why am blogging now.

I thought to myself, what I would've done if  had known better. And I manage to make a list of that:

1. I would have waited a couple of more years before getting hitched - I dated hubby for 7 years. I thought I knew him inside out. But marrying him was like discovering a new side of him altogether. It's like he's a stranger to me. But I learn to accept this along the way. And marriage just takes a big part of you away. It definitely changes you. It takes so much of your time, money, effort and  emotions that you begin to question yourself, is this all worth it? If I had known better, I would have waited. I know when getting myself into this that marriage was a big serious thing and there's more to it than just the cliche "I want to spend the rest of my life with you", but I didn't expect it to be a LOT more that what I have initially thought. It's draining. I would have waited for many reasons, financially, emotionally and stability to name a few. But it did happened. I am married. Do I have any regrets? No. But maybe if I had known better and could have waited a little, I might be able to handle all THIS with dignity and patience. But I get it at times, what doesn't break you makes you stronger and am learning all this with time. And I did gained something beautiful out of this (no, not weight gain), an adorable son whom I cannot get enough of. So there is a hikmah behind all this and I pray to Allah that he guides me along the way.
2. I would not have lived with PIL after marriage - I understand now that even if you've dated someone for several years, going out with him and marrying him is two totally separate things. So you definitely need time to get the feel and accustomed to that person when sharing the same bed and living in the same house. I wish I could have done that in solitude. I need to know him on my own timing. I need to know and assume my responsibilities as a wife on my own timing and preferably in a situation when there's only me and him. My PIL did not interfere with my marriage but their presence made it hard for me to understand the union of me and him. I guess you could say I was shocked and I was definitely overwhelmed. What more with the fact that I was immediately pregnant after just tying the knot. So I guess if I had known better, I'd like to be in a position where there is only me and him and not the rest of the world. Because we need time to work and build on 'us' which I did not get the chance of doing then and am struggling to live my life as a wife and mother now.
3. I would not have stayed with PIL during confinement - I learned that even if you're close or OK with them before marriage and during pregnancy, confinement can put you in a different ball game altogether. I made the mistake of going back to them during my third week of confinement. It broke me. You become very vulnerable and sensitive during confinement. Maybe more in my case because I felt uber sad that mummy was not there with me when I delivered my boy and is not here to be a part of his life. It affected me a lot. So much so that I think I became a different person. I was very sensitive. Confinement with Aunty Alang was good. She took care of me and I had a great time with her because she's my relative and I get to bond with my cousins which did not happen before this. So I felt close to them. Moving to my PIL on the third week was just the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt lonely and very insecure of everything. It doesn't help also that they their own style of taking care a mother and newborn during confinement was totally different to the style that I had been adapting with Aunty Alang. Every thing became an issue. I cried every 5 minutes to the extent that my OB advised hubby to bring me back to Aunty Alang because I was depressed. It did caused a riff in my marriage and my relationship with PIL. The damage has been done. Was I sorry for the way I acted out? Not entirely. Because no one understood what I was facing and dealing with. No mother, just delivered a baby, hubby did not stay with me during confinement, you do the maths.
4. I would have told mummy so many things about me - But I didn't and she left too soon. I love her with all my life. It breaks me not having the chance to say all that I wanted to say. She's an inspiration to me. She was a very strong women but she was unlucky in love. I have so many things to tell her. But because of a certain crises that had happened to us, I became distant from her. I regret that the most. I was driven by my ego, granted I was a teenager back then, so I was fueling with hate. If I had known that she'd be leaving us, I would have made the effort to rehabilitate our relationship. But it's too late and it didn't happen. I did get to say "I love you" to her before she left for the OT and that was the only time we saw her conscious, to which she replied in a broken voice, "I love you too". And that still lingers on my mind until now. 
5. I would have accepted the post at Petronas - I am now a lawyer and I deal with Islamic banking and finance matters. I like my line of work but with all the commotion and uncertainties revolving my department, it got me thinking and saying, "Mesti senang hidup if accept kerja kat Petronas haritu". I know mummy wanted me to take up the offer but I was arrogant and adamant and I insisted that Islamic banking was my passion. I'm entering into my third year of practice and I feel that I need to move on. So if I had known about my boss leaving and all the nonsense that has been happening recently, it made me feel that it's better for me to be in a secure environment. And that could've been Petronas. But back then, the pay was so low and that was what enticed me to practice. Tamak kan?
6. I would have breastfed Adel exclusively - but I didn't and it wasn't because I didn't want to but it was because I can't. Adel won't latche so I had to express my milk for fear of engorged breasts. But if you don't breastfeed directly, you'd be well dried out even during confinement. And that is what happened to me. I learned that if you breastfeed, you can lose weight easily. I'm heading no where in that department. I'm still fat, fat and fat. My sister calls me garfield because she says I'm fat and cute *sigh*. My weight is my biggest issue to date. I used to work out at the gym religiously and I lost a lost of weight. I was never a skinny girl. I think I was plum and fat all my life but this time around it's a lot more worst because I still have my pregnancy fat on top of my existing body fat. Hubby thinks I only need to tone up and I don't know which planet he is living in. Because at this rate, it takes more than toning up. I need to put my face on someone else's body! So yeah, if I had known, I would have consulted the experts on breastfeeding.

I can't think of anything more to add in the list above. I think I've written down the important ones. If you're reading this, take it with a pinch of salt. The above are life's truths. It happened to me. And look how I turn out ;p 

Dark cloud over my head

When will this end?

I am his MOTHER

I’ve been having a lot of personal issues lately and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching. I’ve concluded that I take motherhood and parenting very seriously. Only because I’m a working mum and I don’t really get to splurge on time with my little one. And maybe because of this I get super sensitive. Like seriously sensitive. Like no one’s beeswax. Once in a while I get insecure on my parenting abilities. And I don’t appreciate it when people criticize my inexperienced and untested parenting skill and do things behind my back.

Adel is a hyper active baby. He cannot be still. He always has something on his mind and he’s on the move constantly. That’s not an issue to me but it does exhaust me sometimes. We normally (read: normally) strap him up in his car seat when we travel. But lately, since he’s getting a bit mature for his age, he wants out from the car seat. I do occasionally give in to his wants but would normally put him back in the car seat once he has had enough fun. This time around because we (with other people) traveled quite far with a few other passengers, Adel refuses to seat in his car seat. But he sits on my lap and sometimes goes sit on other people’s lap too. I don’t know what came over him but he cried non-stop. Like seriously crying and wailing his lungs out as if he had been possessed. Hubby was driving at that time and I got all panicky. Other people tried to calmed him but to no avail. Adel did not stop crying and things had gotten really serious. I lashed out at hubby. I needed help. But he was silent throughout the ordeal.

I carried Adel and pat him on my shoulder. He would stop crying for 5 seconds or so and continued wailing non-stop. Hubby pulled over, stopped the car and brought Adel outside the car. He stopped crying. We decided to change his diaper and gave him a teaspoon of gripe water because we felt that he was having an upset tummy. Other people interjected saying that he does not want to be strapped in his car seat. And he’s going nuts because he was restricted to the confines of his car seat. I argued saying that he was not in his car seat when it happened and he was perfectly OK when we went back to my dad’s hometown. Then those people interjected again saying that during that time, Adel was still little and does not know the meaning of restriction. I went livid. I held my tongue. If I had it my way I would have gone ballistic and shot them with my uncultured and uncivilized mouth. Out of respect I held back and I even held my tears. Hubby did not defend me.

After giving Adel some gripe water, he looked OK and we hit the road again. This time, hubby sat with me at the back just in case Adel went bananas again. He was alright and fell asleep. I placed him in his car seat immediately after he dozed off. He had a good one hour plus nap. When we finally reached another stop, Adel woke up and was a tad bit cranky but he’s always like that when he wakes up from a nap. When other people asked how he was in the car, I said he was OK and the crying fiesta he had earlier was attributed to the upset tummy. Clearly he settled down after a dose of gripe water. Maybe he did go berserk because he was restricted but that was not the main reason why it happened. I know that. Because I am his MOTHER.   

Another reason why I’ve been feeling awful lately is because it has only made known to me that Adel has been eating other foodstuffs without my knowledge. I am very careful and selective when it comes to feeding Adel. I do a lot of research on how and what can a baby eat when they are at a certain stage of life. Maybe I’m a control freak but wouldn’t you if you’re a first time mother? Adel has been getting this annoying bumpy rash on his body. It puzzled me as to what has caused him to have those rashes. Because I thought I knew what he has been eating. I’d usually tell that person on what to feed Adel with. Only a couple of days back I came to know that Adel has been eating Gardenia bread dunk in milk. I, again, went livid. But I said nothing. I don’t care what you dunk the stupid bread in! He is my child. You should ask me what he can or cannot eat. Maybe it is edible for his age but we don’t know if it can cause him to have allergic reactions to it. It irritates the hell out of me. I involuntarily put my trust in you to care for my baby and you do this behind my back. I told hubby about this and he confirmed that he knows Adel has been eating bread. So, you and this other person know about this and dare not ask me whether it’s OK? Need I repeat myself? I am his MOTHER. Hence, I have all the flippin’ right in the world to know about this and all other things associated with Adel.

Their ignorant or plain stupid attitude has taken a toll on my life and my marriage. I felt disregarded, humiliated, useless and pathetic. I have been crying for days. It’s affecting me a lot. To some, maybe I’m overreacting. I concede. But I have all the right in the world to overreact. I have earned those rights. Because I am his MOTHER.

Adel's blues

Adel demam. Well, demam sikit jelah but the selsema and batuk are still worrying. Risau sebenarnye. Anak kesayangan (baru sorang je kot ;p) is not in the pink of health. Susah dia nak tido memalam because of the boogy. And when he coughs, I can hear the presence of the phlegm. I love, love, love him to bits. That's why it breaks my heart when he's in such pain because I know how uncomfortable it is. He's grumpy nowadays and I attribute that to the sickness. Alaaa..bucuk mummy..tamau grumpy lagi, boleh..mummy nak tengok Adel smile macam pic bawah ni, boleh?

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Demise

I’ve come to realized that I’ve lost my best friend when I married my husband. My hubby (my boyfriend then) was my soul mate, confidant and my best friend. I have now lost all that. To me, he is now only a husband.

We had a horrible row today. I shouted at him. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I felt terrible and awful afterward. But it irritates me as to how ignorant and insensitive he can be towards my feelings.

We see his family everyday. Would it not do justice for me if I wanted to have iftar with my hubby only and none other? I’m only human. And though I have no grudges against them, I honestly need a break from them. Can he not understand that?  All this family gatherings makes me feel depressed and sick to my stomach. I have never enjoyed a normal childhood. I have never given the chance to experience that. That’s why I’m reluctant to participate in all this. Because it’s painful.

This would be the second Eid without mummy. I miss her. It kills me everyday to go on with my life without her. Of course I feel I’ve been taken advantage of because mummy has gone. Now, it’s all about him and his family. And he sees this as an excuse? You once understood my emotions. You once protected me. I was once your queen. And now I’m irrelevant? Having scolded with the notion that I have no respect for you as a husband hits me hard. What happened to you?

It’s time like this where I wished I would just disappear. I wished mummy was here so I can confide in her all my sorrows. I wished she was here to wipe away my sad tears. I’m not prepared for this. She left too soon. I still need her.

A marriage changes a person.

I know now.    

Fathers be good to your daughters

Remember that John Mayer song?

Well, in my case, it's the other way round.

I don't think it's easy for someone to be a dad. What more if the fatherly duties was disrupted by inevitable marital problems.

My relationship with my daddy is an awkward one. We've been apart for several years. From Standard 3 to Form 4...you do the maths. I resent the fact that we were once apart. That left a mark to our relationship. We still see each other occasionally. We'd go out for lunches or dinners or he'd come to my place to see his adorable grandson. (he was ecstatic when he knew that I was having a boy. I remembered clearly when he held Adel in his arms for the first time, he said "Finally!").  But even that does not make up for the lost of years.

I get envious seeing my cousins with their dads. Though they aren't really closely knitted to each other but at least it's not awkward. Of course I would want to make it up to him. After all, it was not his fault that things had to turn out the way it was. I'm trying hard to make amends with all the initiatives in planning family gatherings. But even that is not sufficient. Not in my eyes, anyway.

He's not getting any younger. I hope I still have time to make it up to him, InsyaAllah.

Dear Daddy,

I love you dearly and I am proud to be your daughter. I'm sorry for how things turn out in the past. But we still have now and the future. And hopefully we can make that a better one.

Love, 

Your daughter

Of being a mother

Hubby is off from work today. I emailed him asking how Adel is doing under his watch. He replied "Alar, han g saloon nie. Adel tdo sblm han kuar td." Meaning which, he left Adel with MIL.

Hmmmmm. I questioned myself.

Maybe a father does not share the same sentiment as a mother. I would certainly lepak with Adel because I only have those off days to lepak with him. Even though I am in desperate need of a makeover, I refuse to go because to me, Adel is of my utmost priority. 

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm being silly.

Maybe I'm being over protective.

Maybe. *sigh*

I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

I got married last year at 26. Had a baby this year at 27. But I look like I’m well in my
forties now. *hangs head*

I was never the hottest babe in the class. You know, the one where guys would just swoon over and worship the ground every time you pass by. I was never the attractive one.I was never the girl with the appealing physique. Granted I’ve been overweight since time in memoriam. I was never the smartest one in the class. I was never the perky and all miss goody two shoes. I was never all that. NEVER.

What I am is far, far from what I would have wanted to be.*sigh*

High school was another story. It was such a nightmare. I was fat and ugly (still am btw). I was depressed. Which would explain the super crush I had on Marilyn Manson. But somehow or rather, I managed to overcome that by doing well in class. Maybe not exceptionally good but let’s just say that I’m not exactly thick or stupid. When high school was over, it was time to embark on another journey to uni. Had a hard time getting a place in uni because my results were not favorable. You see, I did engineering or technical courses at school so it was natural to opt for engineering courses in uni. But like I said, my SPM results were not favourable so my late mummy has to scout for places to get me in. She did, and I ended up doing law.

Uni days were very competitive. Seriously. I was not exactly a nerd in uni but let’s just say that I surprised myself with my achievements because of the competitive environment. I think in uni I discovered the importance of having a significant other. I dropped 20kg and went on a man hunt! Hahaha!! But I have to admit, shedding off those unwanted fat built in the much wanted confidence in me. Something that I never thought I could have. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, confidence is of utmost importance *grins*

Completed uni, did my chambering, and now am working. Having gone through all that, I am still struggling with my weight. My son will be 6 months in a couple of week’s time but I’m still walking around with baby fat. For some, they can easily shed it off during confinement. I did a bit but when I went back to work, the weight came back as well.

Do you think it’s because of stress? My work does not really stress me out. It does sometimes. But it’s occasionally not constantly. Having said that, I am easily exhausted nowadays. My life (if you can still call it life) now evolves around routines. I wake up in the morning (morning pon tak morning sangatlah. Earliest at 6am but if I’m super tired I’ll get out of bed at 8am), have a quick shower before my son wakes up, fill in his bathtub, put the kettle on in the kitchen for his bath, get dressed, get his breakfast or milk ready, wake him up, feed him, undress him, bathe him, dress him up, put him in his cot, get myself ready for work, make the bed if I have time, clean his bottle or feeding bowl, grab his bag, get him out of cot, grab my bag, grab my car keys and the house key, with him, his bag and my bag, we make our way to the car, place him in his car seat, send him off to my MIL, get the car seat out so hubby can use the same later, kiss him goodbye and go off to work. If there’s a traffic jam then that would be the best “me” time I have to reflect on my life. Sad isn’t it? I would reach the office around 9-9.30am. Work. Go back home around 6-6.30pm (although office hours officially finishes at 5.45pm). Sometimes I would buy dinner for hubby and I before heading home. Will reach home around 6-30 or 7pm depending on the traffic. I would make the bed if tak sempat to do so in the morning. Fold the laundry. Have a quick shower again just in time to greet my son and hubby. If we don’t eat out, I would cook dinner and then do the laundry. Before calling it a day, I would place new pajamas in my son’s bag, iron work clothes for both hubby and I, clean the kitchen, sterilize feeding bottles, and then retire to dreamland. But of course, my son interrupts me every now and then from my routine for feeding and attention. Hehehe. Funny enough I don’t really complain for lack of sleep. But I’m just tired.             

Sometimes I feel I got married way too soon. But sometimes I feel really blessed with having my own little family. I love them. And I could NOT imagine life without them. I know it’s cliché to say this but yes, they are my LIFE.

But I don’t have enough “me” time, well save for the traffic jam. Hehehe. I miss going to the gym, I no longer go for facials or salons to do my hair or for manis or pedis. I no longer do my eyebrows! I know I’ve never been the hottest babe but I know once upon a time, I looked pleasant! Pleasant enough to get a husband! Hahaha. If I do have spare or extra time, I’d make sure I’d spend it with my son because I’d usually miss half a day with him during weekdays. Of course missing him half a day kills me but that’s another story to tell.

I can’t really say I complain much about this routine because sometimes I enjoy doing it because it makes me feel responsible and important. I know, I’m a freak. But I think I’ve let myself go. I do get envious looking at others who do it so well and they can still maintain an attractive image and physique for themselves doing all this. I want that. My biggest issue now is my weight. But I don’t have the time to be all attractive. I want to be perfect or close to perfect. But I can’t. And I know I’ll never come close to that. 

NEVER.