I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

I got married last year at 26. Had a baby this year at 27. But I look like I’m well in my
forties now. *hangs head*

I was never the hottest babe in the class. You know, the one where guys would just swoon over and worship the ground every time you pass by. I was never the attractive one.I was never the girl with the appealing physique. Granted I’ve been overweight since time in memoriam. I was never the smartest one in the class. I was never the perky and all miss goody two shoes. I was never all that. NEVER.

What I am is far, far from what I would have wanted to be.*sigh*

High school was another story. It was such a nightmare. I was fat and ugly (still am btw). I was depressed. Which would explain the super crush I had on Marilyn Manson. But somehow or rather, I managed to overcome that by doing well in class. Maybe not exceptionally good but let’s just say that I’m not exactly thick or stupid. When high school was over, it was time to embark on another journey to uni. Had a hard time getting a place in uni because my results were not favorable. You see, I did engineering or technical courses at school so it was natural to opt for engineering courses in uni. But like I said, my SPM results were not favourable so my late mummy has to scout for places to get me in. She did, and I ended up doing law.

Uni days were very competitive. Seriously. I was not exactly a nerd in uni but let’s just say that I surprised myself with my achievements because of the competitive environment. I think in uni I discovered the importance of having a significant other. I dropped 20kg and went on a man hunt! Hahaha!! But I have to admit, shedding off those unwanted fat built in the much wanted confidence in me. Something that I never thought I could have. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, confidence is of utmost importance *grins*

Completed uni, did my chambering, and now am working. Having gone through all that, I am still struggling with my weight. My son will be 6 months in a couple of week’s time but I’m still walking around with baby fat. For some, they can easily shed it off during confinement. I did a bit but when I went back to work, the weight came back as well.

Do you think it’s because of stress? My work does not really stress me out. It does sometimes. But it’s occasionally not constantly. Having said that, I am easily exhausted nowadays. My life (if you can still call it life) now evolves around routines. I wake up in the morning (morning pon tak morning sangatlah. Earliest at 6am but if I’m super tired I’ll get out of bed at 8am), have a quick shower before my son wakes up, fill in his bathtub, put the kettle on in the kitchen for his bath, get dressed, get his breakfast or milk ready, wake him up, feed him, undress him, bathe him, dress him up, put him in his cot, get myself ready for work, make the bed if I have time, clean his bottle or feeding bowl, grab his bag, get him out of cot, grab my bag, grab my car keys and the house key, with him, his bag and my bag, we make our way to the car, place him in his car seat, send him off to my MIL, get the car seat out so hubby can use the same later, kiss him goodbye and go off to work. If there’s a traffic jam then that would be the best “me” time I have to reflect on my life. Sad isn’t it? I would reach the office around 9-9.30am. Work. Go back home around 6-6.30pm (although office hours officially finishes at 5.45pm). Sometimes I would buy dinner for hubby and I before heading home. Will reach home around 6-30 or 7pm depending on the traffic. I would make the bed if tak sempat to do so in the morning. Fold the laundry. Have a quick shower again just in time to greet my son and hubby. If we don’t eat out, I would cook dinner and then do the laundry. Before calling it a day, I would place new pajamas in my son’s bag, iron work clothes for both hubby and I, clean the kitchen, sterilize feeding bottles, and then retire to dreamland. But of course, my son interrupts me every now and then from my routine for feeding and attention. Hehehe. Funny enough I don’t really complain for lack of sleep. But I’m just tired.             

Sometimes I feel I got married way too soon. But sometimes I feel really blessed with having my own little family. I love them. And I could NOT imagine life without them. I know it’s cliché to say this but yes, they are my LIFE.

But I don’t have enough “me” time, well save for the traffic jam. Hehehe. I miss going to the gym, I no longer go for facials or salons to do my hair or for manis or pedis. I no longer do my eyebrows! I know I’ve never been the hottest babe but I know once upon a time, I looked pleasant! Pleasant enough to get a husband! Hahaha. If I do have spare or extra time, I’d make sure I’d spend it with my son because I’d usually miss half a day with him during weekdays. Of course missing him half a day kills me but that’s another story to tell.

I can’t really say I complain much about this routine because sometimes I enjoy doing it because it makes me feel responsible and important. I know, I’m a freak. But I think I’ve let myself go. I do get envious looking at others who do it so well and they can still maintain an attractive image and physique for themselves doing all this. I want that. My biggest issue now is my weight. But I don’t have the time to be all attractive. I want to be perfect or close to perfect. But I can’t. And I know I’ll never come close to that. 

NEVER.