Want but Can't Have

I want this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and a luxurious vacation here:

But I can't.

Because I'm saving up all my dollars and cents and my livelihood for this:

The "thing"

I'm at work. I'm fasting. But I cannot get this "thing" off my mind. I should have had the "thing" for Iftar yesterday. But I had McD instead. I'm looking forward to Iftar today with the "thing". The "thing" on warm rice is my fave dish in the entire world. Owhhh "thing", wait for me to come home, ok?







This is the "thing" i.e. Sardine masak lemak cili api. Salivating already! Sabar-sabar *grins*. Another 8 hours to go, lol!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

bangkok...not so dangerous :)

i was in Bangkok last weekend. i was reluctant to go there at first because i had to leave adel behind with hubby. it's not that i don't trust hubby. it's just that i think hubby will not be as careful as i would when it comes to taking care of adel. true enough i guess cause adel greeted me at the airport with a bruised face! marah sgt kat hubby for being neglectful! 

so anyhoo, Bangkok was superb! when i first heard the firm was heading there i'm like "huh? bangkok? bosannye. mcm KL je kot". but i was sooooooooooo wrong! it's nothing like KL, well except for the roads and shopping complexes. ok, admittedly, sometimes i feel like i'm in bukit bintang but that's because our hotel was smacked right in the middle of the city so there were lots of shopping complexes and MRT. but it WAS different in so many ways. i will definitely go there in the near future. there's so much things to buy! but this time round i only bought several t-shirts and keychains. and i only bought myself a toiletries bag. things there are so cheap. terbeliak mata sometimes. even the t-shirts at hard rock are cheaper by rm20. 

my fave place has to be chatuchak. there's a lot of stuff there ranging from clothes, food to housing items. amazing i tell you. and again, the prices are so cheap! and the food! omg! so sedap! even the most simplest coconut ice cream tastes like heaven. the tom yam is sooooo sedap! it's nothing like the ones we have here. definitely looking forward to go there again in the future. but my fave discovery in bangkok has to be their ice tea. if you have not tried it, if you have the chance in going there, please try their ice tea. sedap sangat!! i dunno how to describe it. it's nothing like ours, ok! it's much more tastier! a friend of mine told me that you can get the same thing in Sri Ayuthaya here. nanti i go try *grins*.

i think my Bangkok experience was good because of the food *chuckles*. food and shopping makes a woman happy. was i happy? yes i was! even happier to see adel at the airport to greet me walaupon muka mcm kena belasah :p.

moving on

so we've moved out from the old apartment into this flat. it's super small. the moving part was excruciating. not for me but for hubby and others who helped us in the process. i didn't realized i had so much stuff until we moved out. but i am not by any means, a hoarder. i just have lots of plates, pots and pans and clothes. oooh...and furniture pieces. all were bought to facilitate the old apartment. but in this small flat of ours that we involuntary call home (hopefully, just for a year) all those good things will not be put to good use. simply because there's no space. we are definitely saving up to buy us a house. insyaAllah it will happen next year. either under construction or sub-sale, we have to move out. my head cannot work in such small space. i'm even going on a cooking strike. i will not cook for a year. it's not that i don't like the kitchen. it's just that i don't feel safe cooking (or eating for that matter!) there because it's small and old and smelly.

adel has been sick for the past few days which made me worried sick. i think it all stems out from the whole moving in and moving out drama. kesian dia. he was shivering and all. vomited a lot and even pooped blood. doc said it was nothing but high fever. of course tak puas hati. takkan he had all that because of high fever. apparently the antibiotics had caused him to poop blood. with his temperature rising and stuff, the flat pulak sangat2 panas. not helping in adel's recovery at all. and adel was exceptionally clingy. sbb demam kot. nak pegi mane semua kena angkut dia. haiyooo. had to take EL yesterday because of the little guy. poor thing. kesian tengok dia. alhamdulillah, the fever has subsided a bit. takut ok bila anak sakit! nampak sangat tak pandai jaga!

so moving on, we are trying our level best to be patient and hope for the best to come. even though duit byk abes bulan ni sbb pindah, maxis bill melambung, credit card exceed max..ape lagi. semua benda tak bestlah nak jadi bulan ni..mintak2 dimurahkan rezeki lagi, ameen!

marah sangat

we finally found a new place to rent last week. we have paid 2+1 months rent deposit and 1/2 month utilities deposit. we'll be moving in this weekend. and for the record, this new place is like the last place on earth i would want to live in. but rents in Setiawangsa are just ridiculous. terpaksa. RM1,800 for an apartment?! oklah, condo. but seriously. WTH. the current place costs me rm1,200 per mense which to me is affordable. but rm1,800? that's a big difference ok. and this is only rent. houses nowadays are over-priced. melampau. at this rate, i will never afford to buy a house. maybe if we had found a better place elsewhere i won't moan as much. because this new place of ours is just crap. i hate it. i hate it so much. i dunno whether i can live in it but seriously. i hate it a lot.

we're planning on saving so we could afford a house next year. but if houses are rm800k-rm900k. memang taklah! with the new scheme that the govt has introduced, it only helps those of lower income. what about those middle income earners? kena menyewa je ke? nothing is done by the govt to monitor this outrageous pricing. something should be done. nak suruh orang merempat ke? takkan nak menyewa seumur hidup? even sub-sales are over-priced. maybe it's the location. i dunno. eeeeeee. marah sangat!!!

change

Felt like changing the blog's design and template.

This design here is more appealing to my eyes than the former one.

Hope it would motivate me to write more.

As for updates, we have not found a new place to rent yet. We're still sad and depressed because we have to let go of the current one. 

Sangat. Kecewa. Dan. Menyedihkan.

Dear Sasha :)

Happy Birthday!!!

Cuhrazee

I've been unfaithful to my blog. LOL! I just felt like typing that!

Oklah, I've been super busy. So what's new kan? What more with hubby's new work which requires him to travel a lot, I have a lot on my plate now. It's like I'm biting more than I can chew.

My little champ's birthday is like NEXT WEEK. I am super excited. He's finally one! I had a fantastic time with Adel during hubby's absence. It's like I really bonded with him. He'd lepak next to me when we watch the telly, play around the kitchen area while I cook, nod when asked "Nak shushu tak?", nestled around my neck when dozing off - he's just super cute! We have also started brushing his teeth! Yang, at current, ada tujuh batang tuh! It all started on one fine morning when I was bathing him. We would normally chat on how warm he'd like his bath to be, sekali tuh, when he opened his mouth, it smelled funny and err..stinky! I immediately told hubby and we bought him his very first Oral-B toothbrush and Kodomo Lion apple toothpaste. Aiyoo, anak bujang aku sorang nih!

His party is well on it's way. My sister is helping a lot especially for decorations. The menu should be sorted out soon. The invites was just sent out just now via sms. It's a small party which will be celebrated with close friends and relatives. Am not expecting a lot of guests. Maybe 20 plus-ish. And the apartment is small and cramped, it cannot accommodate huge crowds. So takpelah, nanti dia kawen, I'll try to make the event bigger than mine, LOL!

2011

*sheepishly grin*

I'm still around. Seriously been busy for the past couple of weeks. Hubby hinted a few hours ago that I've not been updating my blog for ages. I've been really busy and when I do get the chance to myself, I'd rather sleep than blog I'm still at the office now and in order to kill time, am well...blogging, sorta. So anyway, happy new year! Although it's already 12th January *rolls eyes*, talk about timing, huh!

Will blog more later, I promise!

2010

I want! I want! I want!

picture from google

Adel @ Mama Ngah's

As mentioned before, my sister has been babysitting Adel for the past one week. I quite like the idea of them bonding. Perhaps as a reminder to my sister to have her own bundle of joy pronto, lol! Anyhoo, my sister would email me pictures of Adel just to let me know what he's up to and stuff. I think I can speak on behalf of my sister to conclude that Adel is definitely a handful, lol! Anyway, below are the pictures she sent together with captions on what he's doing.

"Otel tdo"

"Adel x suka flash"

"Otel suka flash"

"Otel dh ready. Td tumpahkn bubur atas sleeping bag tu"

"Dh mandi & mkn ubat"

"Adel tdo kt kedai motor"

"Otel x de keje"

"Otel dh mandi"

"Adel x tdo2"

"Adel Mikail sebok nak panjat tangga"

 

"Adel Mikail having his 2nd nap"

Still at Home

My previous entry was a tad bit too ambitious. Had to abandoned "going to the office" idea because I was shivering like a cold kitten this morning. Turns out that am allergic to one of the meds. Doc gave me another MC today. I didn't sleep last night either. Had troubles breathing because of the runny nose. Should be sleeping now but I'm just not sleepy. God, what is wrong with me? Watched telly until 3am to the delight of Trinny and Susannah on Granada. Went to bed afterward but only to toss and turn endlessly. Hubby took half of the day off to accompany me to the clinic because my hands were all numb and shivering. Had to send Adel to MIL because I know I wouldn't be able to care for him in this state. I feel a bit guilty though for not going to the office two days in a row. But am sick. I don't like being sick. I mean, who does? Work, work and work, is all I can think of *sigh*.

Little Old Me

I am apologetically down with fever and flu today. Actually,since yesterday but I braved the office for not wanting to miss my outgoing boss' farewell lunch. But this bravery has taken it's toll. I needed a complete rest. So I spent the whole day at home, alone, going off to the clinic, sleeping and eating. It did me some good. Hubby sent Adel to my sisters' in Cheras. Felt a little guilty about sending him there when I could've taken care of him myself but I needed my rest badly. I also, weirdly enough, missed the office and all its busy-ness. But am now dreading the thought of going there tomorrow because I know there's a gazillion of stuff to be done *hangs head*.

Anyhoo, was in PD for the weekend with hubby's office mates. I think PD is overrated. Period. It's starting to get to me. It's so crowded and homogenized. Maybe because it's near to KL so people thinks it's convenient to go for holidays there. Hubby's office mates however were a bunch of happy-go-lucky doers, lol! Had a great time there and there were plenty of food. But I had already been feeling under the weather then so despite the excitement of seeing all the magnificent food, I actually nibbled rather than the customary face stuffing.

Adel is clear from roseola and he is seriously re-charged after all those medical episodes. He is so so so lasak and hyperactive! He never fails to amaze me, which is good but I can no longer keep up with him. He does everything in split seconds! I'm just exhausted thinking about him now, lol! In 2 days time he'll turn 10 months and that's 2 months shy from his first birthday!! Must resume with his birthday plans. I've left that idle for too long now. The only development I have now is the venue. Well, not development per se because we're still thinking of whether to have it at the pool house or cramped in our sardine packed apartment. Both has its pros and cons. But am only expecting 40 guests exclusive of kids. Hmmmmm...what do you think? 

2 weeks shy from 2011. I hate the fact that there aren't many public holidays this month as opposed to December last year. Grrrrrr...more time in the office which is so not good for little old me. But am looking forward to 1 January 2011 though! Going off to Melaka for dinner at Umbai with my daddy and dearest sister and BIL. Am especially looking forward to sotong goreng tepung, lol! Also, a huge commitment beckons me in 2011! I'll keep this as a secret for the time being. And no, not talking about promotion though it wouldn't hurt to have good bonuses and increment too. After all, the No. 1 did say that he is happy with my progress and my work *gloats in a bubble*.

Alright, must call it a day now. Need some sleep for tomorrow will be another long day...at the office *slaps head*.

Night!

And so it is..

If I had known better,...

I just woke up like 10 minutes ago. Courtesy of Adel, of course. Hubby ended up sleeping in the living room with the new tv. Yes, he finally bought one. I was super relieved to have it all over and done with. I can no longer pretend to be interested in tvs and all its magnificent electronic hoo-haas. For I cannot tell any difference between a Sony or a Samsung, I mean, it's just different by name je kan? Butttttttt I did get to gobble on yet another slice of the yummylicious red velvet cake from Bijoux or Bisou and I gladly washed it down with a can of ice cold Coke. Second time in this month and nope, not helping at all!

Anyhoo, was tossing and turning after having my sleep disrupted by Adel. Hubby finally came in but I was suddenly wide awake and had the sudden urge to eat nasi padang. I had to divert this urge of mine into something else, so that pretty much explains why am blogging now.

I thought to myself, what I would've done if  had known better. And I manage to make a list of that:

1. I would have waited a couple of more years before getting hitched - I dated hubby for 7 years. I thought I knew him inside out. But marrying him was like discovering a new side of him altogether. It's like he's a stranger to me. But I learn to accept this along the way. And marriage just takes a big part of you away. It definitely changes you. It takes so much of your time, money, effort and  emotions that you begin to question yourself, is this all worth it? If I had known better, I would have waited. I know when getting myself into this that marriage was a big serious thing and there's more to it than just the cliche "I want to spend the rest of my life with you", but I didn't expect it to be a LOT more that what I have initially thought. It's draining. I would have waited for many reasons, financially, emotionally and stability to name a few. But it did happened. I am married. Do I have any regrets? No. But maybe if I had known better and could have waited a little, I might be able to handle all THIS with dignity and patience. But I get it at times, what doesn't break you makes you stronger and am learning all this with time. And I did gained something beautiful out of this (no, not weight gain), an adorable son whom I cannot get enough of. So there is a hikmah behind all this and I pray to Allah that he guides me along the way.
2. I would not have lived with PIL after marriage - I understand now that even if you've dated someone for several years, going out with him and marrying him is two totally separate things. So you definitely need time to get the feel and accustomed to that person when sharing the same bed and living in the same house. I wish I could have done that in solitude. I need to know him on my own timing. I need to know and assume my responsibilities as a wife on my own timing and preferably in a situation when there's only me and him. My PIL did not interfere with my marriage but their presence made it hard for me to understand the union of me and him. I guess you could say I was shocked and I was definitely overwhelmed. What more with the fact that I was immediately pregnant after just tying the knot. So I guess if I had known better, I'd like to be in a position where there is only me and him and not the rest of the world. Because we need time to work and build on 'us' which I did not get the chance of doing then and am struggling to live my life as a wife and mother now.
3. I would not have stayed with PIL during confinement - I learned that even if you're close or OK with them before marriage and during pregnancy, confinement can put you in a different ball game altogether. I made the mistake of going back to them during my third week of confinement. It broke me. You become very vulnerable and sensitive during confinement. Maybe more in my case because I felt uber sad that mummy was not there with me when I delivered my boy and is not here to be a part of his life. It affected me a lot. So much so that I think I became a different person. I was very sensitive. Confinement with Aunty Alang was good. She took care of me and I had a great time with her because she's my relative and I get to bond with my cousins which did not happen before this. So I felt close to them. Moving to my PIL on the third week was just the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt lonely and very insecure of everything. It doesn't help also that they their own style of taking care a mother and newborn during confinement was totally different to the style that I had been adapting with Aunty Alang. Every thing became an issue. I cried every 5 minutes to the extent that my OB advised hubby to bring me back to Aunty Alang because I was depressed. It did caused a riff in my marriage and my relationship with PIL. The damage has been done. Was I sorry for the way I acted out? Not entirely. Because no one understood what I was facing and dealing with. No mother, just delivered a baby, hubby did not stay with me during confinement, you do the maths.
4. I would have told mummy so many things about me - But I didn't and she left too soon. I love her with all my life. It breaks me not having the chance to say all that I wanted to say. She's an inspiration to me. She was a very strong women but she was unlucky in love. I have so many things to tell her. But because of a certain crises that had happened to us, I became distant from her. I regret that the most. I was driven by my ego, granted I was a teenager back then, so I was fueling with hate. If I had known that she'd be leaving us, I would have made the effort to rehabilitate our relationship. But it's too late and it didn't happen. I did get to say "I love you" to her before she left for the OT and that was the only time we saw her conscious, to which she replied in a broken voice, "I love you too". And that still lingers on my mind until now. 
5. I would have accepted the post at Petronas - I am now a lawyer and I deal with Islamic banking and finance matters. I like my line of work but with all the commotion and uncertainties revolving my department, it got me thinking and saying, "Mesti senang hidup if accept kerja kat Petronas haritu". I know mummy wanted me to take up the offer but I was arrogant and adamant and I insisted that Islamic banking was my passion. I'm entering into my third year of practice and I feel that I need to move on. So if I had known about my boss leaving and all the nonsense that has been happening recently, it made me feel that it's better for me to be in a secure environment. And that could've been Petronas. But back then, the pay was so low and that was what enticed me to practice. Tamak kan?
6. I would have breastfed Adel exclusively - but I didn't and it wasn't because I didn't want to but it was because I can't. Adel won't latche so I had to express my milk for fear of engorged breasts. But if you don't breastfeed directly, you'd be well dried out even during confinement. And that is what happened to me. I learned that if you breastfeed, you can lose weight easily. I'm heading no where in that department. I'm still fat, fat and fat. My sister calls me garfield because she says I'm fat and cute *sigh*. My weight is my biggest issue to date. I used to work out at the gym religiously and I lost a lost of weight. I was never a skinny girl. I think I was plum and fat all my life but this time around it's a lot more worst because I still have my pregnancy fat on top of my existing body fat. Hubby thinks I only need to tone up and I don't know which planet he is living in. Because at this rate, it takes more than toning up. I need to put my face on someone else's body! So yeah, if I had known, I would have consulted the experts on breastfeeding.

I can't think of anything more to add in the list above. I think I've written down the important ones. If you're reading this, take it with a pinch of salt. The above are life's truths. It happened to me. And look how I turn out ;p 

Tweet

Whyyyyyyy???

I am going insanely nuts over this song :)

Of habits and antics

When I get tensed up with work, I tend to google on stuff on the net. Like the other day, when I was saturated with work, I googled P. Ramlee and Saloma *giggles*. I have a tendency to google on any possible matter. It's a habit I'm quite embarrassed off. Do you have any weird habits? But what I really want to do now is go to Borders or Kinokuniya and purchase books! I have not read a proper book in a very long time. I feel as though my intelligence has faded in time! Not that I have much of it in the first place ;p

But when I do get a chance to go to a book shop, my mind would be disrupted by Adel making a scene of not wanting to be in his stroller or be carried around by his daddy. So I'd lose interest in books faster than I can say "orange juice"! I know, excuses-mexcuses! Must make the effort and must find time to revive this habit of mine. Seriously. For the sake of my sanity. Will put this on my to-do list :)

Btw, hubby has been driving me off the wall with his golf antics. I cannot for the life of me fathom why men digs such sport or why such sport was invented in the first place! Hang on, is it even sport? I suspect people play golf because of the social stature. I think if you're old, rich and have nothing better to do, then by all means, play golf. But if you have not hit 30, you rationalize on groceries, you have a 9 months old son and also an amateur husband, I suggest you prioritize what's important and what's not in your life. Gee, must be difficult to chose between golf and son. Hubby, don't take offense, you know I have a tendency to exaggerate. I am after all a proud breed of Negeri Sembilan. "Exaggeration" is our mission in life.

This is off track but I have to write this down somewhere. My trustworthy Kak Ani got herself a new Marc Jacobs handbag courtesy of her husband! The bag was so solid and it screamed Marc Jacobs! Kak Ani jokingly said to me that her husband would be a happy man in the bedroom for at least 2 weeks as consideration for getting her this branded handbag (if you know what I mean!). If its true (the bedroom thing), well done! I told hubby what Kak Ani had told me. Then hubby asked, "Can I get 'it' for 2 weeks straight?", to which I replied, "Not unless you get me a branded handbag". Well, the conversation stops there but you guys should have seen my hubby's face! Macam senyum tak jadi, lol!

Hubby also got me going crazy with his tv hunt! We have been going to tv shops every night! No acquisition was made though. He did came close to purchasing one 2 nights back but the shop did not accept Islamic credit cards. So yes, he is still hunting for a tv. The current one at home is still of good use by it's not as 'canggih' as the one that other people are using. So hubby succumbs to peer pressure. I wonder why his friends do not pressure each other in becoming a better husband or a better father *sigh*. My last telephone conversation with hubby a moment ago confirms that we will be going to KLCC again tonight for yet another 'exciting' tv hunt.

Wish me luck and patience guys. Maybe I can get him to buy me a slice of those yummylicious red velvet cake from Bijoux later. Then I'll gladly keep my trap shut ;p.

P/S: I love you hunny! 

Busy Busy Bumblebee

I've not been updating this space regularly. I've been swamped with work, work and work. I've been terribly busy. I even feel like a bad mother and wife at times. I've not been cooking proper home meals save for the last couple of days when I did mac and cheese and beef stew. I did however manage to take leave on Monday so technically I have 4 days of leisure with Adel. The best 4 days ever, mind you! The third day got me smelling like poo because Adel made poo in the car and because I carried him around, I too smelled like poo. Gross? Yes, but that's just a fraction of what you get in being a mother. We went to Sunway Lagoon on Sunday to celebrate Sheena's birthday but with no birthday cake in sight, lol! Since I do have some unfinished matters to attend to now, please scroll down  for pictures instead!

Adel with his "I want my mummy!" look

Adel and daddy

papa ngah, mama ngah and mak na

enjoying his banana muffin on papa ngah's lap

Lily Syahirah - the birthday girl :)