Demise

I’ve come to realized that I’ve lost my best friend when I married my husband. My hubby (my boyfriend then) was my soul mate, confidant and my best friend. I have now lost all that. To me, he is now only a husband.

We had a horrible row today. I shouted at him. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I felt terrible and awful afterward. But it irritates me as to how ignorant and insensitive he can be towards my feelings.

We see his family everyday. Would it not do justice for me if I wanted to have iftar with my hubby only and none other? I’m only human. And though I have no grudges against them, I honestly need a break from them. Can he not understand that?  All this family gatherings makes me feel depressed and sick to my stomach. I have never enjoyed a normal childhood. I have never given the chance to experience that. That’s why I’m reluctant to participate in all this. Because it’s painful.

This would be the second Eid without mummy. I miss her. It kills me everyday to go on with my life without her. Of course I feel I’ve been taken advantage of because mummy has gone. Now, it’s all about him and his family. And he sees this as an excuse? You once understood my emotions. You once protected me. I was once your queen. And now I’m irrelevant? Having scolded with the notion that I have no respect for you as a husband hits me hard. What happened to you?

It’s time like this where I wished I would just disappear. I wished mummy was here so I can confide in her all my sorrows. I wished she was here to wipe away my sad tears. I’m not prepared for this. She left too soon. I still need her.

A marriage changes a person.

I know now.